• Left of East- An Introduction

    In the summer of 2013, I embarked on a solo backpacking adventure across Northern Michigan. With no one to talk to along the way, my journal became a powerful and necessary companion. I wrote journal nearly every day, sometimes many times a day, to capture the events and insights of my time on the trail […]

  • One Cry Fix All

    My submission to The Moth Detroit StorySLAM topic: “Blood Sweat and Tears” When you go through a difficult time in your life, your body naturally deals with it by going into shock. This is a beautiful response because it allows you to go on with your life and get through every day when you’re not […]

  • A Real New Yorker

    They say you’re not a real New Yorker until you’ve cried in public.

  • CH@NGE

    The mathematical symbol for change is a neat little triangle Δ. I can remember drawing it on my notebook with a pencil. The teacher told us what it meant, and we took her work for it, but I wondered why, if we were describing change, did my pencil end up back where it started. There has […]

  • Light on Blight

    I grew up in a sweet, serene, safe community: a bastion of purity in small-town Michigan. We had no world-class issues. The police blotter in the local paper was comedically innocent: “raccoon topples garbage can,” “local man double-parks van.” But not too far away, trouble loomed large. Detroit, with its towering tombs was a shame to […]

  • On Solitude

    People, like deer and celebrities, tend to cluster amongst themselves. Anytime you should encounter a sitcom star, be still! Lower your gaze. Chances are good that his Emmy-winning girlfriend and the whole supporting cast will come trundling after.

My Vice

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Transcript of my Moth Story Hour Submission, Subject: Vices

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All my life I have been building: making plans, gaining knowledge, forming relationships, accumulating possessions. But for nine years there has been an insidious black mold in the foundation of my life’s structure that undermines everything I pile on top of it. My vice goes by a lot of names but you could call it perfectionism, insecurity, avoidance, addiction, an inability to cope.

For years, anything I didn’t like about myself or couldn’t handle got pushed down into a place where I wouldn’t have to deal with it. In time I created a “me” that was completely separate from the person I showed to the world. I had an entire hidden life.

I tried everything to cure myself of my problem: medication, therapy, rehab, self-interventions. Nothing fully eradicated it. And then, because I couldn’t fix it, I ignored it. But problems do not solve themselves and, untended, a cancer grows. Eventually it spread beyond containment.

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New Life Survival Guide

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new life-450Remember learning about the “discovery of America” in elementary school? It was easy to be impressed by the valiant explorers setting off across the sea. I was easy to imagine doing the same if only you were born in the right century. How did those brave explorers prepare for a trip from which they might never return? Weapons, tools, blankets and food, how do you pack for a new life? Nowadays it seems that there is no place left to discover, everything has already been “found” and colonized long ago. But that doesn’t mean that there isn’t still the chance to have a new life. There are countless people across this ever-shrinking globe who silently fantasize about a whole new existence. And, though the contents of their suitcases may differ today from what they would have been long ago, the basic ingredients needed to set off into and survive a new life are still the same.

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Dear Family

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When I told you that I was still sick,
and that I was going to get help,
we hugged and cried and you gave your support.

And while I was in treatment,
you sometimes inquired,
responding to my positive updates.

But after I left that place,
we never talked about it again.
You assumed the best and I let you

See, this problem thrives in darkness,
I hardly confront it with myself,
and even less with others.

I know it’s not that you didn’t care,
but the fact that you never asked,
really hurts.

If you had asked me straight
I might have lied,
but at least then you could say you tried.

There’s never time to ask the question
with one right answer,
the one that that you won’t hear.

And so it continued,
with you cloaked in wishful thinking,
and me hidden in my shame.

Until, once again, I intervened
tearing open that inner door
shining light on the destruction.

Its like I’ve always known,
that even with all the support in the world
this problem is mine alone to solve.

Public Accounting

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On a trip to Germany years ago, I was chastised by complete strangers while riding the subway on two separate occasions. The first time, I was drinking a beer (legal in public but not legal on the train apparently) and the second time, I had my feet up on the seat opposite (not quite illegal but certainly rude). In both instances, a passenger saw my wrongdoing and called me out. For my part, I corrected my aberrant behavior and that was it. I could have ridden the subway all day and night without encountering a police officer to punish me but, as it was, I learned an easy lesson without receiving a ticket or using up city government resources.  That is the power of public accountability. Continue reading →

Coming Home

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My submission to The Moth Ann Arbor Story SLAM topic: “Home” Video available here.

I grew up in the small town of Chelsea, Michigan. And when I went to college I attended The University of Michigan, only 15 miles away. What this means is that, for the first couple decades of my life, my world was rather narrow, geographically speaking.

But while I was I college, I met my future husband and he changed all that. Together we have traveled to 5 continents, and over a dozen countries, we have lived in Australia, South Africa, and France. My whole world expanded. Continue reading →

Trapped

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one day in ny

When I first moved to New York City, I lived smack-dab in the center of midtown, under the shadow of the Empire State Building. I spent my days searching for a job and exploring my new city. One warm fall day, I dressed in a cute flowy skirt and went for a walk down Broadway. It felt very iconic, strolling down the avenue, passing shops and restaurants, seeing fashionable business-men and women. I boldly made eye contact with good-looking men as they walked by. Here in New York City of all places, these mysterious men regarded me with interest. I felt powerful, beautiful, and strong. How wonderful to be considered attractive by a stranger! Continue reading →

Earth god, Sky God

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Screen Shot 2014-07-06 at 8.51.28 PMWhen I was young, my God lived in the sky. With angels and believers by his side, He looked down at me from Heaven, and I sent my prayers into the air so that He may listen.

As an adult, I lost that God. He does not exist to me now. There is no one watching, listening, guiding, or even judging. He no longer serves as an explanation for everything I cannot understand. There is no room for God behind the last known star in the sky.

I don’t want it to be this way but it’s just the truth. Sometimes I miss praying. More often, I miss the security of Knowing. The loss is deep. Continue reading →

Young People, Short Memories

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In 1994, Nelson Mandela became the first black president to lead the nation of South Africa. His election marked the end of the racist Apartheid system, and his party was the African National Congress, the ANC. In the years since, the ANC has never lost the presidency, though power has been passed down to 4 different men over that time. For many South Africans, the ANC is synonymous with freedom from apartheid, and they will support it unwaveringly for life. To them, the choice at the voting booth is not between one party or another in a free South Africa, but between their liberators and Someone Else, and that is really not a choice at all. Continue reading →