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Category Archives: Recovery
Hope
I didn’t know I had lost hope until she showed it to me. She insisted her hope, forced me to at least consider its possibility. I had to cry out my doubt, cry a lot, to make room for it. It was awkward at first, living with a stranger but eventually the hope set it, […]
Until You Love Yourself
written February 17, 2016. Recovered March 1, 2020. Happy Eating Disorder Awareness week. I used to hate the phrase “you can’t love somebody else until you love yourself.” Probably, because I was in a self-destructive relationship with myself and an “in love” relationship with someone else. So what did that mean? Maybe I loved myself, […]
Volunteer State- Part 5 “Suffrage”
Somewhere between the meetings and the writing and the car rides, I learn something that surprises me– I don’t actually want to shave my head. I want to want to do it, but I don’t actually want to. I know that if I do it, it won’t be free– it will take some sort of […]
Volunteer State- Part 4 “Song”
I leave the solitude of my cabin and spend some time in Nashville for New Years Eve. I’m not quite sure how to properly honor the occasion, but I do know that I want to see more of what this city has to offer. I’m self-conscious with my haircut and half-wishing I had already shaved […]
Volunteer State- Part 3 “Spiral”
I drive around a lot, partly to get groceries, partly to explore Nashville, and most especially to resume my “reading” of Eat, Pray, Love in the car. I left the windows down when I arrived in the dark that first night, and the rain that so soothed me on my marathon nap also happened to […]
Volunteer State- Part 2 “Sleep”
I sleep for 15 hours. Well, I wake up a few times along the way, but there was no phone or clock to check and my head was impossibly heavy on the pillow. Nothing to do, really. Why not let it happen? Just sleep. Finally, I get up at 3:00pm still tired. I am sick […]
You Righted the Wrong Girl
“One-year postscript to You Robbed the Right Girl” Today is the one-year anniversary form the day my soccer team bought me a brand new computer. With one exception, it is also the longest I have gone without throwing up in 11 years. 5 years ago, I enjoyed a 3 month reprieve during which I truly believed […]
Troopers- control
This morning, the weather is clear. It’s time to go. Everything Mom does is slow. Maybe not slow-slow, but slower than my pace and it’s frustrating me. Why can’t I be patient? Why do I see each moment as an opportunity to show her what she could be doing better? I am on her vacation […]
Troopers- for the love
Waking up in the hotel room is nothing like it is in the little cabin. There is no window to sit and watch the sunrise from. In fact, when I look out the window, I see nothing. The storm has subsided not at all, and sunrise will serve only to change the hue of our […]
OberDoIt 