Last night, I dreamed I was caught by the police in my illegal campsite- I guess nothing is without costs if you have a guilty conscience! I seem to have an abundance of that. Tonight, I’m on the Lake Michigan shore by Cross Village- camping illegally, again. It may be the prettiest place I’ve ever slept.

Watching the sunset right now, it occurs to me that I have never truly watched a sunset alone. If something is beautiful or appealing to me, why do I always need someone else to enjoy it with? It’s undoubtedly nice to share a sunset or a walk with someone else, but a lack of company should be no reason not to do something I like.

I’ve taken a lot of photos and posted 1-Second–Every-Day clips for a compilation video, and Allison wrote that article about me- so many opportunities to be judged and validated by others! I’ve been thinking about how I value other people’s opinions of me so highly, but forget that I am “other people” to other people. I can zoom out and see an image of the world where everyone is constantly engaged in assigning value to other people’s stuff and putting their stuff out to be valued by others. That constant validation cycle is pure folly. I will always care about what other people think- probably more than I’d like to- but I hope at least to judge my acts, opinions, and even photos, for myself first.

When Lance and I were separating, I got the frustrated feeling he was trying to give me what I “wanted” even though I never claimed to want it (a divorce, that is). I said I was confused, that I wanted time and a chance to make some changes but he didn’t give me time, he filed as soon as I left. Did he actually want a divorce or was he giving me what he thought I wanted? Are we like those tragic characters in The Gift of the Magi? Sacrificing ourselves to give to each other what we do not want? Could my “gift” have been a divorce? Maybe divorce is what I would have ultimately decided I wanted, maybe I was too cowardly to face it but the decision was made so quickly and now, I’ll never know.

As simple as it seems, one of my goals for this trip is just to become more aware of what I want. and then to deal with hit rather than to start with someone else’s desires in mind. The way I see it, knowing what you want doesn’t always mean getting what you want, but it allows you to enjoy it when you do! And if you don’t get it, at least you know you’ve compromised. It’s just better.

Today, I deviated from the route in order to walk along the Lake Michigan shoreline. I was struggling with the fact that this part of the trail is so close to the Lake but yet so far away. Why doesn’t the North Country Trail take more advantage of its proximity to this incredible coast? (It could be that the most desirable property is not necessarily available for a non-profit trail system, but that doesn’t mean I can’t deviate).  In keeping with the spirit of “figuring out what I want,” I spent the first miles of the day pondering the relative merits of sticking to the trail (less beautiful) and going along the tunnel of trees to the water (longer but more scenic).

While I was having this internal debate, the trail led me onto a road where, almost immediately, a police car drove up next to me. He rolled down his window and showed me a picture of a missing 13-year-old boy. The boy had run away that morning just west of here. Over the next few miles I noticed more police cars and saw helicopters overheard. My decision was made. I was going to go west, toward the tunnel of trees, toward the coast, and toward the missing boy! For many miles, I conjured up elaborate fantasies of heroism where I encountered the scared boy, earned his trust, and saved the day. It seemed I had an advantage over the police who were in uniform and easy to avoid since in their noisy road-bound cars whereas I am an unintimidating hiker who, on foot, might stealthily cross paths with the boy. These delusions of grandeur got me through the afternoon quite pleasantly.

Needless to say I didn’t discover him, and now, I am in the awkward situation of camping illegally, quite exposed on the beachfront, in the search zone of a lost boy. Helicopters keep passing along the beach overhead. My natural inclination is to hide from them because I’m not supposed to be here, but if they see me hiding it could backfire. My overactive imagination paints a vivid scene of a SWAT team rappelling down from their helicopters and “rescuing” me, only to find I am not at all who they are looking for. Far from being the hero I could ruin the entire search effort! So I suck it up and make myself visible.

Today I was bored at the start of the day. I already lost my mental groove fortitude after the 1 ½ days off in Petoskey! To entertain myself, I counted a few things. How many countries have I been to? How many men have I had sex with? I calculated my worldliness-to-sluttiness ratio. Hilarious. This little project made me realize how many relationships I’ve had that started with a chance encounter rather than a built-in friendship. It’s empowering to think that I can create a meaningful relationship with someone who was so recently a stranger. It fills me with a sense of possibility. Whoever I end up with, I think I’ll find him not by searching or waiting, but by pursuing my ambitions. Let him love me for who I am and not what I hope he’ll like.

According to my new GPS, I went 24.5 miles today. According to my map, I went 20.5 miles. By my watch, I walked for 7 hours 16 minutes and I think I average 18 minutes per mile are so that comes to 22 miles. Not being able to accurately calculate my distance is frustrating but it’s a good lesson- it’s not about the miles!

Falling asleep with a feeling of pride, excitement, INNER PEACE. It’s a good life. Here’s hoping I don’t wake up to search lights and Army Rangers.

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Continue to the next entry in the series here: Day 12: Cross Village to Wilderness State Park

Go back to the last entry in the series here: Day 10: Petoskey to Crooked Lake